Cardinal Dolan’s New Decree

Cardinal Dolan has taken a new residency since his bitter upset against the newly dubbed Pope Francis for the highest title in Catholicism. After a disappointing loss, the Cardinal has now claimed the world-renowned Plaza Hotel as the “Vatican of the West.” Pope Plaza has completely revolutionized the approach to his new position. Throughout history, the Vatican sends out white smoke if they’ve chosen somebody and black smoke if they have not made a decision. Pope Plaza sent a text message because he and the rest of the American population have acknowledged that it’s 2013.

His celebration was no exception. Mike Warren and his team at the Plaza Hotel have gone above and beyond to exceed his expectations of what the Vatican of the West could entail. Cardinal Dolan joins other great leaders including President Obama and the First Lady, Netenyahu, President Lula Hammers of Brazil, King of Saudi Arabia, Christine Lagarde, San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State Madeline Albright, President Clinton, Former Prime Minister Gordon Brown, and the Royal Family of Scandinavia.

People are flocking by the thousands to Central Park and waiting for hours in hopes of seeing him peep out of a window and speak of how glorious being Pope of the Plaza truly is.

NOTE: This is part of Great Performances’ April Fools Newsletter. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!